https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/tara-brach/e/54089886
I listened to this as I ran around the lake today. Loved it.
From just about as early as I can remember people have called me “shy”. This generally made me furious. I can’t possibly convey how irritating the statement “so, you are pretty shy, eh?” or the statement “you don’t talk much, eh?” was. Seriously, how does one respond? You can do better people. However, the statements recurred and recurred, and my head just kept nodding and nodding, mhm, indeed, yes, I am shy. Right. (Of note, my husband never once alluded to this feature of mine, I believe this is one of the top 3 reasons I married him.)
And from just about an equally early age, I had a pretty sound idea of why I was “shy”. My perception was, often when I did share my thoughts, people didn’t really listen. They actually didn’t hear at all, not even close. So why bother really. Talking can be exhausting for us “shy” folk, words are not to be wasted, breath is not a renewable resource. So better to let your conversation partner carry on, keep the sharing to a minimum. This didn’t come from a place of poor self confidence on my part – in fact, I’ve been quite lucky, I think, to have been strong and secure from the get go (thank you parents). I was pretty sure I had some awesome things to say. And I don’t think this came from a place of disrespect or maliciousness at all on the part of others – it just seemed to be a fact of life that people didn’t really listen to each other. It seemed most were totally ok with that. Everyone was happy to just talk over each other as opposed to to each other. I was never really a fan of this approach, so, I kept quiet in the mix of it all.
I love sharing though. A great percentage of people in my life would challenge this statement, but no, it’s true. My problem is, however, I am quick to recoil from the superficial, or what I perceive to be. Herein lies the conundrum my friends, as you see small talk generally needs to precede big talk. And this is what the podcast was a great reminder of: there are always at least two sides to everything, every perception. How many conversations have I missed out on because I backed out early, I didn’t hang in there, didn’t let the small lead to the big? In being frustrated with and focused on not being heard, was I, in fact, not listening?
This is a shame, because I also love listening. As a young kid, I would sit at my parents’ dinner party tables and just listen to the conversations around the table. I could do it for hours, I still could. I spent many a year in post secondary education because I love a good lecture. I went into Family Medicine as a career as my husband told me, one sunny day as we were walking beside the water debating whether I should choose ER or family practice, that “I’d be a good ER doc, but I’d be a great Family doc.” I’d like to think he too saw that I could listen and that that was something I had to offer. I listen, not only with my ears, every day in my office now. But, I think, in the hustle of life I’ve strayed from listening so well in other spaces. I’m thinking I’ll now try to find my way back to that.
So, have a listen to Tara and all the wisdom she has to share in this podcast. It is truly beautiful. Then carry on and keep at it, wherever you go next.