I have a tattoo of a lotus flower on my wrist. It sits there for many reasons but one of the ones I love the most is that it’s a reminder of the simple concept: “no mud, no lotus” by Thich Nhat Hanh.
‘Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh.
This past Sunday I ran a marathon. It wasn’t my first. I was well trained. I was injury free. I was rested and ready. But it was hard as hell. I wanted to quit badly from about 21km on. And while the insides of my mind waged battle as to whether I would quit or not, it got dark. It’s hard to know for sure, but I suspect the mental anguish was far greater than the physical out there on Sunday.
I’m not sure what happened.
But what transpired ultimately fell under the umbrella of doubt. I doubted myself. And that, my tiny tribe of followers, is not ok. That is not me.
I doubted whether my journey to be plant-based and ultimately save the world had impacted my strength. Was I iron deficient? Had I neglected protein? Should I be pounding those chemical laced, sugar-straight-to-the-veins gels like everyone else? Is doing what is right incompatible with being your best? And, if it is, does it matter? Does it matter to me? What’s more important: finishing or getting the time you want? Why? What’s more important: finishing or getting the time you want, with or without doing what’s right for the planet? More important for whom? You see, 21km are quite a few kilometres, you can cover a lot.
I doubted whether those around me were ok with me trying to do this. The early rushed mornings, the early bedtimes in place of Netflix and chill (ahem), the weekends spent exhausted, the forced uber-wellness bent that dances behind my running efforts. Was it fair to them? Did they feel neglected? Were they neglected? Is this pursuit selfish? Does it have to be? Is it ok to be?
There were moments of almost tears, of rehearsing the phone call to my husband to come get me on the course, of going over what it would feel like when I was asked, “so, how did the marathon go?” The mind is a powerful thing. I’ve spent time over the last year or so contemplating its power and just when I thought I understood it, it pushed me to the floor, stood on my chest and made me pay close attention. I covered up my watch, turned my gaze downward and started to scan my body.
The niggle in my right thigh that started at 23km, that I was sure was going to result in an injury that would ultimately lay me up for weeks, was gone. Of course it was gone. I had never felt pain there before. I was trained and healthy. My mind had snowballed the pain in a fit of despair and now we were reigning that in and it was gone. Good. My shoes were soaked, they weren’t my trail shoes so the water just sloshed around in there like a constant reminder of how wet it was outside. But, that blister that I was sure I was getting, didn’t hurt any more. Of course it didn’t. I can’t remember the last time I had a blister. So let’s defer the decision about the phone call to hubby until the next mile marker.
By now, we, my mind and I, were now approaching about 33km and I started to see which one of us was going to win the battle. The 35km marker came and went and I remembered that, of course, what is most important is finishing. And being proud of how you got to that line. Damn proud. Decision deferred again and before I knew it, I was past 37km and my mind took its foot off of my chest and allowed me to breathe. And with that, somewhere around 39km some angel of a human being pulled up onto my right elbow. I’m not sure whether he needed my pace or I needed his more, but running became light again and we saw 40km, 41km, and finally the end.
In the end, I was 6 minutes slower than last year.
Today, 3 days later, I feel lightness and joy and anticipation and purpose.
I don’t have all the answers to the questions my mind and I “discussed” during that run but I have some, and the thought of figuring out the rest is positively ravishing.
I most certainly CAN save the world and be at my best. Fuck, yes I can. It was scary to doubt that this couldn’t be done because I know in my heart that it can. I am strong and smart and I’ve got excellent instincts paired with an even better bullshit radar. I’m not sure why I got shaken out on that run but maybe it was just a test. Or a reminder. Maybe it was the slow drip of messaging “out there” (read social media and media in general) or just the fact that “out there”‘s most distilled purpose is to manufacture doubt. If you don’t doubt, why would you keep searching? And so now I start to feel thankful for that throw to the ground. Because, for now, I’ve passed the test. Yes, I will tweak some things. I will learn more and experiment more and use all my alchemic skills to create what I know is possible: my best at no one’s and no thing’s expense. In harmony and ceremony with this earth, never at its expense. So there will be plants, oh yes, there will be plants. But will there be gels?!! Hmmm, what do you think? Store bought? NO. Potion derived? ah, yes (… and at this point in my reverie, Human Powered Racing is getting nervous haha).
To the question of those around me, this is the most beautiful piece. In the nights leading up to the race I received emails from truly kind hearted individuals. I was moved by the fact that you genuinely cared. You were in your own battles but your mind drifted my way and that landed with me. Thank you, deep bow to you. And while I was out running, my husband and brother were out running the kids’ race with my girls. The pictures of this are otherworldly to me. My husband gushed about how well they did. No one cared that it was freezing and raining. Then they all lined up and waited (and waited, haha) for me to come in. Not one complaint, just a “what can we do” “what do you want” as I shuffled across the line trying to process what just happened. Their patience and love seems to know no bounds. Lastly, as I sit here now, I’ve just had a wonderful chat with my coach and new old-friend. I suspect we still have much to learn from each other and it is beyond awesome to know that another like-minded human has dropped into this bizarre universe of mine. And, I’ve just asked my Dad to run with me this summer in Haida Gwaii and he couldn’t be more excited. And soon my mom and her partner will fly to China, their second overseas Ironman in as many months, to keep chasing THEIR dream of returning to Ironman Kona for unfinished business. And, And, And, … the universe spins and knows no bounds.
So, that’s how it went. No mud, no lotus.
Now there is rest. Then there is Nicaragua. And then we, my mind and I, are going to continue this journey. I’m going to name it: “The quest for 3:30 – no gels, just potions”. Who’s in?
xo
J