So, something has been bouncing around in my head for a while now. It claimed prime occupancy when I realized that my posts on Vibrancy and Love were the most well received here in a while. This, sort of, pissed me off. Ha! Indulge me if you will.
I’ve been hearing two things with increasing frequency:
1) My life is great, I have nothing to be X about, I shouldn’t feel X, what is going on?
and,
2) I’m feeling really shitty, totally off and confused, but I’m just going to focus on the positive.
Now, 1) is often said to me by my incredible patients and “X” usually ends up being either anxious or depressed or a neat little mix of both (brutal, I know guys). 2) is usually said to me by friends, family, or the whole of the internet. If you are my lone crooked little follower that has read my words thus far on this blog, you probably can guess what my response to both 1) and 2) is. For the rest of you, let me clarify:
Bullshit.
Before you yell, let me explain.
I absolutely think the vast majority of us need to be unconditionally grateful, often way more grateful, for the lives we have and lead. The fact that I can sit here and muse on a blog and you can sit there and read it is ridiculously privileged and we should never ever forget that. However, if you feel something, whether that be joy, bliss, sadness or like shit, don’t you dare ever put a “shouldn’t” in front of it. Unless you are actually a psychopath, don’t you dare. The whole point of life in its entirety is feeling something. If you feel something there is a reason why. These things that make our throats swell, our chests contract, our abdomen’s ache, our heads spin, and our limbs tingle have purpose. So, for Pete’s sake, feel them. You can try to do so in private, that is certainly a start. But, I think ultimately, the big ones need a bit of an audience. The conversation that you are likely to have if you say: “I feel like X, I don’t know why, but there it is, can you help?” versus “I feel like X, I shouldn’t, so let’s not talk about that, K?” is likely to be far richer and beautiful for you, and also the person you share with. (Obviously as the lunatic who shares her thoughts on the internet, I am heavily biased in this nuanced opinion).
I will reiterate, as I don’t think I can say it enough here on these pages, not one single feeling is wrong. They all have a purpose and they all are a lesson. Use them. Dammit.
If you are a grown man, with a great family, a steady job, and money in the bank and you find yourself all of a sudden crying every day, there is something going on. You actually probably already know what it is. So, go ahead, name it. If you can’t, yet, find someone to sit with you while you start trying. You can be grateful and privileged and also in pain. Not one of those things are mutually exclusive. If someone in your family, who you love, is in crisis, and you who, supposedly, is not in crisis, for some reason finds going to work increasingly like trying to run in quicksand with an elephant on your back while being chased by a starving tiger, I think maybe you have the right to feel a few feelings. Right?
Now, so far I think we can agree that coming to an agreement on 1) was easy, you’re going to be angrier with me about my feelings about 2). Hang in there.
Yes, admittedly, I will concede that I have never been nominated Miss Sunshine in any of the circles I’ve travelled in, but if you cracked open my chest I think you might actually see super cute bunnies, rainbows, floating pink hearts, and, in general, a big lovefest. And, again, I’ll say it again for the people in the back, most of us should be grateful af. But the reflexive ‘I’m just going to focus on the positive’, is getting really fucking old to me. And, don’t even get me started about the how going through X has made me stronger so yay speak. Good lord. For the love of all that is holy, some things that happen to us are wrong and bad. Full. Stop. Being awfully touched by someone uninvited and scary, your baby dying before its first breath, being harmfully betrayed by a loved one, getting a diagnosis with a whole life to live; that hurts. Hurt is hurt. Name it so.
Last week, my kids were doing their usual infuriating wrestling match before bed. Somehow my eldest ended up on the floor of her closet defending that turf while my youngest, all limbs flailing I presume, was on the other side of the closet door. At some point young one pushed said door and met some resistance as older one’s toes were between the two solid pieces of wood that would normally, unencumbered, span said door’s hinge. Not being one to back down from a challenge, young one pushed harder. I’m guessing this hurt like a mother trucker as the wail that ensued from older one was, well, loud. As I arrived on the scene to see older one’s toes red, smashed, and almost visibly throbbing like they were in a cartoon and the youngest one standing in despair of what she had mistakenly done, guess what I didn’t say? I didn’t say, “welp ladies, looks like time to focus on the positive of this situation, eh?” No!! I said, oh my sweet lord that looks like it really hurts, let me get you some ice. And, and, I asked younger one to apologize. Sincerely. Which she did, with tears in her eyes as well. Of course, everyone recovered and went on to fight again the next night, toes and all.
The difference between the toe debacle and 2)? Well a whole stratosphere, but also very little. Hurt is hurt. Those feelings you think you shouldn’t be feeling, guess what? Also from hurt. And you know what makes hurt hurt more? And linger and resurface and hide behind corners? The hurt from some one or something that you never got an “I’m sorry” for and likely never will.
That hurts.
None of this new news and I am no where near qualified to tell you how navigate the pain and either find the sorry or learn to be okay without it, but what I am sure of is that you are damn well allowed to feel what you feel and to feel all of it as long as you need to.
So, let’s check in. Hate me or am I making some sense? Or, am I making sense, and thenceforth, you hate me?
Either way, I’ll summarize: you are meant to feel whatever it is you are feeling. If that feeling is termed shit, well then, there is work to do to move onto better. Also, on your way from shit to better if you admit/find that there was hurt, especially that lacked a sorry, well, that is really hard. You are allowed to struggle with that. If you are the unicorn who hasn’t been hurt or the enlightened wizard who has worked through it, the rest of us beg you, when we allude to our hurt, just be brave and sit with it, don’t redirect us. If you are neither unicorn nor wizard and are, in fact, just like the rest of us, know that we want to do the same for you. As a collective, I kind of think it is time that we go there.
Now, I think I am slowly starting to get it through my stubborn psyche that going “there” is hard. It’s scary. Absolutely. (And, brace yourself, if you haven’t yelled at me yet, you may be about to with this next statement..) Why do you think many seem super thrilled to sign ourselves up for the coaching trend versus spending some cash on counseling? Coaching to me sounds: positive, go get ’em, you’ve got this! Counseling to me sounds: grey, messy, holy shit am I really going to speak that? How would you like to spend your Sundays? Would you prefer a super amped pump up session about your strengths or a rocky trip down memory lane? Wooo boy! Sign me up for the former only please! Right? I’ve done neither, likely need to do significant amounts of both like yesterday, but I think it would be absolutely foolhardy, not to mention a large waste of money, to believe you could excel in wherever it is you are meant to go without getting a good understanding of where you’ve been. Not to mention, a few “I’m sorries.”
Of course we hesitate to spend our Sundays going there because of all the usuals: fear, uncertainty, shame. We wonder where exactly is “there”. And, geeze, is it bad? How bad? If I get all the way there will I be able to find my way back? I mean I feel like 6/10 on the shittiness scale now, what if I go there and it becomes 9/10, for life?
I am also willing to bet that going “there” is extra petrifying if you perceive yourself to be alone. I get that. If there is scary, if there is unknown, if there has no guarantee of a return ticket home, we’re going to desperately want a hand to squeeze, what if you think you have no hand to hold on the way? Scary.
I guess all I can say to all of that is, nonetheless, I think we have to go. Also, I’m willing to bet that you in fact do have a hand. And, if really and truly not, I happen to have two on offer.
So, I suppose, in the end what I think my particular heart aches for is, once again, more of yours. I also think that our hearts are full of all sorts of things. Some things good, most things really great, but a few things that are a little less positive. I want to see it all. I want to feel it all. I want to know if you feel like shit. Let’s laugh about it. Let’s troubleshoot it. Let’s google “super pumped up counselor” together. At some point it is going to have to happen. So let’s do it now, start the walk to the other side, then we can ride all the rainbow coloured unicorns of positivity we want while being coached to super stardom. Promise.
xo J