If you see fairies, call me out
I will not once, come with doubt
Where they dance, pull me near
Sing your song. They want to hear
If you see fairies, grab my hand
We’ll go together, was always my plan
Find you, feel you, be you, do something.
Betwixt between a lover’s kiss
Much indeed may go amiss
But if you wait, softly dear
Dark cosmic bliss does too appear
So tip toe lightly
Take great care
For you never know who’ll take you there
A cool night’s light
Wins over history’s might
Honest firm touch
That throws the blush
Don’t be silly
Take the great care
Yes, you know who’ll take you there
Photo by Aditya Chinchure on Unsplash
She rises up She is everywhere now Your assemblies, your exchanges Your plans, your urges, your whims She occupies now She glows bright Her crystal white light no longer contained You bow deeply: powerlessness Let it be now, stand down She is commander now She is Her way Center alight with what you've squandered Love, story, intuition, strength, truth You will now be saved She has chosen now Dance in her light Or, hide in your dark Revere her magic Or, feign disbelief Be lead and healed Or, wither to small But know the only choices you have now Are simply those three, the rest are all hers For, she has risen Photo by Tomas Jasovsky on Unsplash
She pushes through the door, without having to think, reaches back and prevents the slam. A screen door is meant to slam says nanna, but her mom’s still asleep. Everyone is. Flowers bounds through the door after her. Slam. Somewhere nanna smiles broadly.
Out in the open the sun hits their faces. The dew wets their feet. Maeve natters on to Flowers and he bounces and weaves along her path as they make their way towards the garden. It’s the end of spring and everything is about to burst. Not the roses yet. The birds call each other. There’s a slight breeze. As they get closer, she sees them. There are five of them. There are always five. Three brown, two black, and one white. The white one is the smallest, in fact, Maeve wonders if it has grown at all this whole time. The two black ones are the biggest. Flowers is always the target of the brown ones’ torment.
Maeve takes her housecoat off, lays it on the ground, and sits cross legged on top. Flowers starts the usual reintroduction routine nuzzling each long ear to remind himself who is who. When he gets to the small white rabbit he lies as flat as he can on his stomach and sticks out his nose as long and as inviting as he can. With ears squished low to appear as small as possible he tries so hard to stop his long tail from wagging, but it can’t be contained and it vibrates behind him in excitement.
Maeve has no idea where the rabbits came from or where they go when she and Flowers aren’t there. She does remember the first time she saw them. It was the same morning caught mom dancing the first time. Every morning since then, they’ve been here, on the grass behind the garden.
Stretching out on her stomach, Maeve puts her chin in her hands and rubs noses with the brown trio. She giggles as the soft whiskers tickle her skin. How do they twitch their noses like that? Flowers tries to do the same but the bunnies torment him endlessly getting close then dashing away. He whimpers and bounces and begs and, after enough effort has been judged to be given, they finally let him make contact and he bounds straight up in the air with unbridled bliss. He looks like a mess of brown and white fur atop four rocketship paws that spurt him straight up into the air in joy.
What a great way to start the morning.
Maeve flops over on her back. Starts picking petals off a clover. Six heartbeats romp around her. She wonders if mom is up yet.
_____
Down in the kitchen, Rose looks out the window to see Maeve and Flowers in their usual spot. Maeve is on her stomach nuzzling the air and Flowers seems to jumping up and down in excitement at his own shadow, or something.
“You two certainly do love your own company,” she smiles to herself as she moves through her own morning ritual.
She pours herself a cool glass of water and slowly drinks it enjoying its freshness and simplicity. Warms her mug with water from the kettle and pours a long espresso with homemade mylk. As usual, she fill her mug right to the top and has to slurp the first little bit so she can pick it up and wander to the porch.
She steps onto the porch and sinks into their hanging chair. Sipping away she muses out on her youngest and her dog. The relaxation settles in and the pleasing view lets her cells start to expand. It was a long week and, by the end of it, the contraction and restraint were almost too much to bear. Moments like these start the release. She rocks gently and lets it all wash over.
Under her right thigh she feels a scratch and reaches down to investigate. She pulls up a crumpled piece of foolscap. About to put it in the pocket of her robe to throw out later, she notices writing. She unfolds the paper and reads:
pay my respects to grace and virtue send my condolences to good give my regards to soul and romance they always did the best they could and so long to devotion
“Hmmm.” She leans back, lines resting in her hand. Instinctively her eyes close and the sun hits her face and starts to warm. Her bare legs extend out under her soft pink robe and move the chair back and forth, back and forth.
Good.
“Ha. Send my condolences indeed.” she laughs to herself reveling in the very proposition.
Work was starting to weight heavy. Most days it was feeling like some mythical beast that seemed to flow and contort and reach in, repeatedly, to take a little bit more and a little bit more. Every week seemed to be ‘long’. There was never a destination that she wasn’t rushing to get to and arriving just enough late to complete that chunk of time and still be able to rush to the next. The calendar flip to a new month tried to promise relief but never delivered. She had a constant gnawing craving that she couldn’t satisfy. Meeting after meeting, conversation after conversation, she kept trying to be ‘good’ and it was taking its toll.
She looked up at Maeve and Flowers. Flowers had fallen asleep in the morning sun and Maeve seemed to deep into play, pretending to cradle something in her lap with one arm while pulling at clovers with the other. The way the sun shone on her young blonde hair she looked angelic. She was such a lover. What a gift.
That is ‘good’ thought Rose. Simple, peaceful, true good. The good that she kept trying to unearth at meetings and within the walls of her office seemed so far from that now. How much longer could she know this truth and keep trying? She had been circling this question for months and she was worrying at its ever present preoccupation in her mind.
Rose had been good at a lot of things growing up. Most sports she played she was north of average. Good enough to make the team, usually not the star though. She was also good at school. It didn’t require much effort to get her high marks, though there was never one subject that she felt the need to, or was encouraged to, devour and claim as her own. Friendships were good too, she had boyfriends when she was supposed to. She was even good at going to parties; could hold her own with a liquor bottle yet get herself together to continue on being good the next day.
Eventually Rose was so good she acquired the perfectly admirable career alongside a beautiful, happy, and healthy family. Good for you Rose, good girl. Looking back over your life Rose, we can definitely tally up the score and conclude that yes, indeed, you are without a doubt a good woman.
“So then”, staring out over the grass, she wondered, “why am I not convinced?” Why am I spending my every moment trying to convince everyone and myself of this goodness.
She closed her hand around the paper and placed it in her pocket. Slid her feet into her sandals and put her mug down. Wrapping her arms around herself to keep the breeze out, she wandered down the steps of the porch and out towards the garden. She had a strong urge to bury her nose in the top of her baby’s head and feel the warmth of Flowers leaning up against her leg.
Their backs were towards her, there seemed to be a deep conversation unfolding, but as she approached they both jerked backwards and turned around to look and see her walking towards them.
“Mom!! You scared them away!”
“Scared what hon?”
Maeve and Flowers stared briefly into the thicket along the property line then jumped up and wrapped themselves around their mom’s legs. Rose bent down and took a deep inhale of the top of Maeve’s head. Those cells expanded again. With her arm around Flowers she stared out at the thicket too. There was nothing there.
I had the packing dream again.
In this dream I am usually somewhere, packing. In a hotel room, in an airport, sometimes, not often, at home. The surroundings change but the gist of the dream is always the same: I have to pack, because I am leaving soon, but there isn’t enough time and I can’t get the things organized. People check in on me from time to time, but they never help. Does no one else see we are late for the damn plane??!!
This dream is happening with increasing frequency and, honestly, it’s getting a bit old.
So, today, I decided to sort this shit out. I took to my journal.
Every morning since July, I’ve started the day by writing three pages of long hand. I was compelled (well, instructed) to do so as I worked my way through the Artist’s Way. I haven’t missed a day. Before call, before office, after being up all night, the pages always get done. It’s not a perfect practice, don’t get me wrong. Remember, I have kids and three jobs and somehow I am determined, in the midst of it all, to become ‘a creative’. When I first started, I’d get up early, light a candle, put on some gentle music, and write away without distraction. That lasted a full 48 hours. Now sometimes I need to braid hair, clean up cat puke, do the laundry, or just doom scroll my phone or the news for a bit before I start. Sometimes I rush out the pages in 30 minutes because I’m late for three things at once. Sometimes they take me three hours because I seek every distraction possible while I do them. But, hey, that’s life. The point is, they always get done and they must have worth as it’s been rare that it has been so easy to maintain a habit.
Anyway, this morning, the pages were for dream shit-sorting. What was it, precisely, that I was feeling and doing during these dreams that came night after night.?
The feeling was easy; I was feeling rushed, anxious, a little fearful, and a little resentment. Despite packing for a presumed journey, there was no excitement at all. And it’s COVID people!! All I want to do is TRAVEL!!
The details of what I was doing and where were more interesting. In none of the dreams was I ever packing my own things. They were always someone else’s things. Also, I never ever knew where I was rushing to get to. I never ever let the dream go long enough to find out what (or where), exactly, it was that I missed.
Not enough time. Missing something important. Unable to organize chaos. Doing the work of others instead of my own. Unknown destinations. Fear of the journey ahead. Anxiety and hurry …
Ya, ya, ya, I know, Jung and Freud could have a little field day couldn’t they?
So, what to do?
When I was a kid I used to have a recurring dream about being in a car in the driver’s seat. But, I was kid, I didn’t know how to drive. Help! Mayday!! One morning I woke up and said to myself, “Well, duh, just get out of the car. You don’t need to drive it.” Dreams stopped.
What’s the ‘get out of the car’ equivalent to my current dreamland conundrum? Could it be that it is not only up to me to make sure that others have the clothes they need wherever it is we are going? Could it be that I can just pick up my own bag and get on the damn plane? Could it be that I can just say “no, we are not leaving today folks, you need to get your shit together first”? Maybe if I just put the suitcase down, grab their hand, and calmly walk through the gate, I’ll get to see where it is I’m on a journey to?
I dunno Carl, what do you think?
He thinks I might be onto something.
xo J
Righty-o! We all know by now that I go down music rabbit holes for a while and get fully obsessed along the way. Enter: The Killers.
I was irritated with life one afternoon. I think it was actually the last afternoon of the summer that had any heat involved in it. I wasn’t quite sure how I wanted to spend it; torn as usual between getting something done and truly experiencing life and just wanting to relax and do nothing. Ha! And somehow I found myself sprawled on a lounger in the backyard, earphones on, watching this:
I mean, it was pure glory. I was hot. The kids came and went and played around me. And I was at a concert. And it was a bloody fantastic concert. It had meaning and depth but was also upbeat. There was strutting. There was also irony. And, good lord, there was a dustland fairytale.
That must have been over a month ago and most weekends you can still find me in the bath, bubbles up to my neck, tea or wine in hand, belting out the question ‘are we human or dancer?’ and watching this concert. Scott asked me today if he should be concerned. Ha! Somehow dear Brandon is more threatening than Bob, Gordie, Lana, Tove, and Leonard! I assured him that he was just a part of the recipe and the only worry he needs to have is preparing the budget for a Killers concert in Spain next year.
Here honey, this will warm you up even more:
I dare you to look at me Turn on the light Even just a glimmer Can you see me look at you Can you lift your eyes to mine Once again I dare you to look at me While your hands are on me While we pretend Can you actually lock gaze hard Can you risk all of it just on that Once again Eyes merely display their only truth Demand the dance Throw forward the tell Eyes merely shake on the deal And bid the resistance a blithe farewell I dare you to look at me Look while you speak that way Look straight into Can you do that and still utter words Can you do that and still feign strength Once still I dare you to look at me See me in all my glory And let me see yours Can you endure the touch that follows Can you be still while it lands Once anew Eyes merely display their only truth Demand the dance Throw forward the tell Eyes merely shake on the deal And bid the resistance a blithe farewell
She walked in the door, threw her keys and phone on the side table and landed on the couch. She put her feet up, let her head fall back and closed her eyes. The smell from the kitchen was fantastic and the cool air blew in from the window.
He walked over and rested his hands on her shoulders from behind. They instinctually moved forward just enough. He leant close and kissed her on her right temple. His whiskers were the perfect mix of soft and coarse. His scent was home and was enough to let the rest of her body relax.
“He left you another one.” he said and a long stem rose landed on the coffee table in front of her.
“Well you have to admire his persistence.” she said as she leaned forward and picked it up.
She didn’t used to like roses. They were so traditional. So scripted and common. Everyone liked roses just like everyone liked diamonds. How dull.
Leaning back again she twirled it in her fingers and stared at it. She smiled remembering the last time she was given a single red rose, well the last time before the run of these ones. It was highschool. Was she dating someone or not quite yet? How did she even get it? Did it arrive at her house like these ones? She reaches back and searches her memory. Digging past old boxes, dust rising as each is moved beyond. Did her dad find it before she did? Anyway, there was a rose. It was from someone it shouldn’t have been from. Someone who had her in mind and went in search of a single flower and placed it at her threshold. The beauty of it all then was, regardless of the presumed imbalance of power, regardless of the height and broad grin, that she couldn’t have cared less. She wanted neither the rose, neither the man. Today, though, she smirks. How delicious to draw the attention of a soul.
Intriguingly, before this all started, she started wanting roses around her all the time: in her garden growing wild, in vases on her desk, and their colour dripping off her nails. Her writing came easier when they were on the desk staring back. The way their perfect petals fanned open on such sturdy stems for so long. They endured more than most flowers, whether cut or planted. These were not the roses she gazed upon as a child or teen, these were different. She was starting to understand the allure.
Again, she put down the flower.
She pushed herself off the couch and walked over to him. She leaned against his back as he tended to the stove. When you were young flipped on on the player. What an anthem. She could tell, forehead resting between his shoulder blades, that he was smiling.
She sat on his knee She was happy, purely free I understood different And so did he She sat on his knee Younger, shining so brightly He was not this way His virtue alee She sat on his knee I watched, I could see He was so far lost From himself, but not from she She sat on his knee I wanted to plea Get her off, go away Don't touch her again, don't touch me But, she sat on his knee Part of unchanged history He sat with her there Then he touched my knee
Ophelia was a bride of god
A novice carmelite
In sister cells the cloister bells
Tolled on her wedding night
Ophelia was a rebel girl
A blue stocking suffragette
Who remedied society
Between her cigarettes
Ophelia was a sweetheart
To the nation over night
Curvaceous thighs
Vivacious eyes
Love was at first sight
Ophelia was a demigoddess
In pre war babylon
So statuesque a silhouette
In black satin evening gowns
Ophelia was the mistress to a
Vegas gambling man
Signora ophelia maraschina
Mafia courtesan
Ophelia was a circus queen
The female cannonball
Projected through five flaming hoops
To wild and shocked applause
Ophelia was a tempest cyclone
A god damned hurricane
Your common sense
Your best defense
Lay wasted and in vain
Ophelia’d know your every woe
And pain you’d ever had
She’d sympathize
And dry your eyes
And help you to forget
Ophelia’s mind went wandering
You’d wonder where she’d gone
Through secret doors
Down corridors
She’d wander them alone
All alone