I am so tired.
My eyes stung all day yesterday. Information comes over screens, when you stare at screens you don’t blink.
I have the strongest desire to consume all the art that I can. I want to go back to France and stare at old paintings. I want to be in the dark listening to loud, profound lyrics. I want to sit and read classics. I want poetry. I want all of history. I want to break a rule, smoke a cigarette, escape.
I said I loved science. But she needs to be balanced out. She can’t have all of me. I can’t be all of her.
But I can’t turn off. I worked for 24hours, slept for 2 for and a half and the information keeps coming.
It is selfish, but in my fatigue, I want isolation. I don’t want your email, or your slack group, or your whatsapp group, or your trying to help. I don’t want to be uplifted, I want to just sit here and feel what others in the past have felt. Profundity. If I’m going to be here I want to be able to actually be here. I want the space to experience this time.
Maybe I’ll lie down now. Maybe I’ll go run. Maybe I’ll be stronger and say no to your information. Maybe I’ll just keep watching these and let the tears decide if they want to fall or not. Tomorrow I’ll feel differently, but today I feel today.